*trigger warning for child/pregnancy loss*
One beautifully cool November afternoon this adorable couple and their little girl attended a Christmas Mini I was hosting in 2022. We connected almost instantly and captured the sweetest images for their Christmas cards when Makayla and Alex let me in on a little secret. They were expecting! Cassia would be a big sister in 2023. We giggled as we took a few announcement photos for their family to share when they were ready. To be let in on such a special moment for a family is the best. We talked about my other service offerings and they felt lead to hire me to photograph their sweet baby’s birth. I was delighted and so the planning began. We had all kinds of special photo ideas for their baby and I blocked off my calendar for May to ensure I would be able to join them on the day their baby made their way into the world. We planned for maternity portraits, birth and all the exciting hopes and dreams that come with a new baby.
February 3rd, I gave birth to my rainbow baby boy, and seventh baby – Jax. For those that don’t know, my second born, a little boy named Landon, passed away in September 2014 and since then I had been blessed with four more little girls. I was still on maternity leave and grateful for a break from photography to soak in my little miracle with his older sisters and father.
February 17th at 3:32pm: Alex messaged me asking to call and unfortunately I was nap trapped but offered to text.
There’s no heartbeat. We lost our baby. Our little girl is gone. We don’t know what to do.
My heart sank. No. This isn’t fair.
I took just a second to collect myself and instantly told Alex to please let me know when Makayla was in active labor. I will be there to document their birth, just as promised.
Unfortunately Makayla’s diabetes were making it difficult for her to be induced at that time. She needed to be okay before the doctors would allow her to labor and deliver her baby girl. I can not fathom in my wildest nightmares how she felt sitting there, knowing her baby was gone and not being allowed to bring her earthside yet. I can’t imagine how Alex felt as a partner, unable to save his beautiful wife from this agony, grieving himself and still having to put on a brave face.
We stayed in touch over the next 24 hours.
February 18 8:32 p.m. , I recieved an update. Makayla was finally being moved to L&D. I kindly let them know to reach out when she was in active labor as inductions can be long and she needed all the rest she could get while waiting to meet her angel. My phone’s ringer was on full blast. I checked it every 20 minutes if not more than that night.
February 19th – 7:58 a.m.
Makayla is in active labor, it was time. I’m coming.
8:00 a.m. – I grabbed my bag and threw in my pump so I could maintain my milk supply for my own baby at home. Triple checking I had everything I needed, flash, camera, SD card, back up batteries.
8:20 a.m. – I was yanking open my yard’s gate with all my might and pulling out of the driveway in my mini van.
8:28 a.m. – Cambria made her way Earthside into her mama’s loving arms. I was pushing 90 and hadn’t heard anything back yet, but I knew she must be earthside or close. My pedal to the floor.
8:40 a.m. – Alex confirmed that their sweet angel was here. And she was beautiful.
9:10 a.m. – I entered the silent room. I quietly greeted Makayla and Alex and leaned over to look at Cambria. Such a beautiful little girl.
We chatted about her name, how they came to choose it and we oohed and ahhed over her little features. A little voice in the back of my mind said “You’re meant to be here. This is your calling” I nodded to myself and began capturing Cambria and her sweet parents as they said their hello’s…and goodbyes. Makayla was a goddess, she moved like she did not just labor for days and give birth. Alex helped her as often as she wanted, but she made it look so so easy. I spoke softly and made gentle suggestions of photo oppertunities we could take if they felt comfortable. Making a heart out of Cambria’s cord before it was cut, encouraging them to video everything on their phones. Makayla cut her cord and she and Alex took turns touching her tiny feet and hands.
Alex sat and held Cambria while Makayla’s parents joined us in the room. I had been able to hold myself together up till that moment. The tears rolled down my cheek when I heard her parents soft cries. All of us knowing they’d give anything to take the pain away from Makayla and Alex.
Alex’s mother facetimed so she could meet Cambria and I didn’t catch much of the conversation, but the gist I got was “what a beautiful angel”. Hearing the voices in the room and on the phone crack as they mustered all their strength to hold space for Cambria’s parents. So much love and support.
The kind nurses had returned and offered to weigh Cambria and take her foot and hand prints. I gently made a few suggestions on memorial pieces like casting her hands and feet as well as a placenta print, and first bath. Makayla and Alex moved in perfect rhythm as they lovingly bathed their beautiful little girl. Over and over Makayla reassured her sweet husband how lucky they were to love Cambria. To be her parents. To get to have her watch over them forever. Lucky. I have tears in my eyes as I write this because I took consider myself so lucky to have known and loved Landon. I would do it all over again as would even if we couldn’t change anything. Five more minutes.
Cambria had a beautiful sponge bath complete with beautiful white flowers. All of us noting her perfect features and adorably long piano fingers. Absolutely perfect in every way.
They wrapped their angel in the softest swaddle and took turns holding her. I hugged them both as it was nearing 2 pm and I felt like they deserved time to grieve without someone documenting it. Grief can be so ugly and painful, they deserved to have the space to feel however they were feeling, without lingering eyes. I told them how honored I was to have met Cambria and be welcomed into their space. That she touched my heart in so many ways and I will never forget the love and pain in the room that day.
If you’ve read this far, thank you. From the absolute bottom of my heart, thank you.
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